Thursday, March 31, 2011

from three to four

Are we ready? No, not really. But I guess we better be, because this baby's not waiting on anybody. Ready or not, this little (or not so little) guy is coming, as hard to imagine as that is sometimes. We think: how in the world are we going to handle a newborn with a demanding, dramatic little toddler? How am I going to stay sane? When Hannah is refusing to nap and screaming her head off, when she has completely worn me out (like all week this week), when the teething cannot possibly get any worse, we say "and how are we going to add another one to this mix?" Well... We just will, I guess. And we'll take it one day at a time.

It's hard for me to picture life as a family of four. For the last year and a half it's been the three of us. Our lives totally changed with the birth of Hannah. There is no way to prepare yourself for the changes that take over you physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Once you become parents, you understand the love of your own parents. You learn so much. About yourself, your spouse, and your child. It is hard to remember what life was like as just a couple. I am continually amazed at how rich God's blessings on us have been as we have watched her grow. With every passing day, life gets better. I love Joe more. I love Hannah more. And I love the family we make. And so I'm kinda scared to change anything. Too late for that, I realize. I have asked Joe many times since we found out we were expecting: how can I love this baby as much as I love Hannah? How can I have enough love inside of me? Will my heart just expand to have a greater love capacity when I hold Joseph for the first time? It's scary and surreal at the same time.

Then I think about Hannah. What will this change be like for her? We've heard all kinds of stories and been given lots of advice. We read all kinds of tips on how to move from one child to two. But we don't know what it's really going to be like until it happens to us. I'm a little scared that she'll feel not as special. That she'll feel like she's not our baby anymore. I know these feelings might sound silly and just the worries of a hormonal pregnant lady, but they are real. I can come to tears easily just thinking about hurting Hannah in any way, just as I can come to tears even thinking about the ability to love another child as much as I love her.

Truly nesting, I have been busy finishing Hannah's baby book and working on a scrapbook that will get me to 2010 (yes, still a year behind). I have come across some beautiful quotes. I love this one:
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."- Elizabeth Stone
I couldn't have said it better.

PS - Today I am 36 weeks. Tomorrow morning we have another doctor's appointment and ultrasound. I am very eager to see how much this baby weighs {At my last u/s at 32 weeks, he weighed 5lbs. 9oz. and was still above the 97 percentile.} and what the doctor has to say about it and my progress. Prayers kindly requested for a good visit and, most of all, a healthy baby.

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