am i a bad mom?

I realize that by posting this, I am incriminating myself, but I want to tell you about what happened last week. I took my eyes off Hannah for less than a minute...

I had her on our bed. I was 15 feet away at the bathroom mirror. She was sitting up on the bed, playing with her toys. Just fine. Like many mornings when I'm getting ready. I looked away to put my mascara on, and next thing I knew I heard a thump, and then a horrible cry. My baby fell, off of our high bed. What the heck was I thinking? I couldn't believe how fast she moved. I couldn't believe how she got from a sitting position in the middle of the bed to the floor in seconds. SECONDS. I couldn't believe how careless I was. I usually watch her like a hawk. I am usually so protective of her. I couldn't believe myself.

I picked her up and rushed to the phone in the kitchen to call Joe. She got sick. Projectile. I didn't know what to do. He rushed home. We called Joe's mom (a nurse) and then our friend, Adria (a doctor). No answer. We called our doctor's office. No answer. We called Hannah's godmother, Karen, around the corner. She went with me to the pediatrician to have Hannah checked out, while Joe went back to the church to do a funeral. The funeral I was getting ready for when all this happened.

Hannah was ok. Dr. Jones thoroughly examined her. Instructed us to monitor her. She was really ok. And we are still thanking God. She was scared. Joe and I were scared. What if she had landed differently? What if she were to hit the corner of my dresser inches away?

I was devastated. I've never felt like such a failure in my life. It broke my heart to know that because of me not being cautious enough, my baby got hurt. I thought this kind of thing happened to careless mothers. Moms that didn't protect their children. No. It happened to me. I learned a lesson today. I learned that babies can do things that they've never done before. And they can do it fast. Things can change in a matter of seconds.

Since this happened, I have heard many similar stories from other parents. It made me realize that I am not alone. I guess I did feel like I kinda was. It's comforting to know that other (responsible) parents have had the same thing - or worse - happen to their babies. And in many cases, with all their kids. So maybe this post will shed some light on that... We all mess up.

And though I will never leave Hannah unattended on the bed again, there will be other times - other situations - that we'll learn from. Dr. Jones said this to me: "I am sure this will never happen again. But next time it will be something else. It will always be something else. Things just happen."

How can I keep her from falling? or catch her when she does? How can I always be there? How can I always protect her? I know that the reality is, I can't. And it hurts to know that I can't. And that's where I have to trust God. In everything.

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